My sulking week

So this week I have been in a sulking mood, sulking towards my Father.Okay for those of you who have never sulked, let me describe what this entails.

Sulking is what I do when I am at my end, when I really want something but cannot seem to get it. With people it involves just going quiet on them. With God it involves entering a hole and just staying there; when He sends me encouragement I ignore it, when He tries to reach me I kinda block Him. I want to be in my misery so unless the answer is the one I want to hear, anything else is not welcome. I want to sulk, and no rescuing is not allowed. Maybe it is a form of manipulation but no judging is allowed. Okay let me use a dictionary definition, it maybe clearer,  “To be sullenly aloof or withdrawn, as in silent resentment or protest.” Sulking 101!

The Job problem

This morning I decided I need to pull myself out of this sulking place. I need to get back to some form of sanity.

It got me thinking about Job. You see often when we think about the predicament that Job was in, it is with a silent wishful thinking that ‘may what happened to Job never be my portion’. The idea of such suffering is often something too scary to fathom. But this morning I wondered if perhaps we all go through some form of Job season?

The trials and tribulations of Job seem far-fetched, too heavy and all that but I suspect in my world, I have gone through a Job season. You know that season when you are jobless and have prayed for a job for as long as you can remember; or that moment when your marriage seems headed to the drain and no amount of praying seems to rescue it; or that moment when you are tired of being single but have all prayed out for a husband / wife; or that moment when you and your spouse have all prayed out to get a child, Lord only one and we will celebrate you; or that moment when you have all prayed out for a rebellious child; or that moment when a spouse or a close friend dies. Life happens. Those are the Job moments for our day and age.

And we all have had them at one point or another. They suck is the word to define them. And when really honest, they make us to begin to wonder, to question where is God in all these? Some people infact get tired, and either give up on ‘this God’ who does not come through for His children. Others compartmentalize their faith; there are sections that God is not allowed to for fear of Him letting you down. Others even question His existence. And others well, they just flow along, and are passive in their relationship with God.

Worse, I would brood

The Word of God in its fullness has a word for me in this season. The one I am relating with is the Canaanite lady who had gone to Jesus for help over her demon possessed daughter ‘who was suffering terribly’.  (Matt 15: 21-28)

Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.” He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

This is not your buddy buddy kind of encounter. For starters, Jesus did not answer a word to the cry of this lady. You imagine this, you’ve gone to Jesus, your only option, your Messiah, and you have begged for mercy; okay not over a demon possessed daughter but an equally desperate thing in your life but He does not answer a word. Sound familiar to anyone? Then worse, yani worse, the disciples now want you to be kicked out. Okay in the context of our world, the church probably wants you to be kicked out, your cries are tiring them, woi!

Then as if all this is not enough, Jesus’ response is a nail to the coffin. He answers that He was sent only for the lost sheep of Israel. In other words too bad for this woman as she is a Canaanite. I don’t know about you but I would be hurt, wacha the way I am sulking now! I would brood, literally.

And truth be told, for some good reasons that I can easily argue out in a court of law (Kethi Kilonzo would not have anything on me on this one hehe). And that’s probably why I am sulking now. I feel God has been quiet for too long on some biggies I have trusted Him for. I feel justified to sulk sincerely. I feel wronged, shady I know but it is how I feel. I feel what this woman should have felt – wronged!

A faith that is enough

This Canaanite woman does something that I am envious off, she hangs in there. She refuses to go. She knows she has no other option but the Lord. This woman knows this is the Messiah, she has no doubt in her mind, and she will not let this encounter with the Messiah be fruitless. But Jesus was still not going to make it easy for her, see how that convo goes:

The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said. He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.” “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

I have a lot of respect for this woman.

She does not wallow in the ‘that did not just happen’ moment. Or ask herself questions like how could Jesus send me away, what happened to the merciful Lord who saved the PROSTITUTE. What happened to the Lord who called out Lazarus from the dead? What happened to the compassionate Father? She knows better so she has no time for such thoughts.

This woman is my hero.

Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment.

God is able and God is willing

In one of the discipleship courses I have done, Mizizi, one of the things that we deal with is ‘God is able and God is willing’.

At the heart of this statements are some very hard things. First is a realization that God is able to deal with my situation, it’s a realization as this woman did that He is God. For that reason, He can heal my daughter, at that very moment. But the second part is one I have to remind myself more often than not. That He is willing. Oh how that plays with my head. That He is willing to heal my daughter, okay I don’t have a daughter but my equivalent. That takes faith.

It takes faith to have the kind of conversation this woman had with Jesus. No wonder the Word of God says without faith it is impossible to please God.

That’s my prayer for myself;  that I will be as desperate for a touch of the Lord that I will not be taken away from my focus by side shows; that I will have the faith to persist even in the face of side shows.

Arise Kenyan

So am I still sulking, yes is the honest answer; but like the Canaanite woman, I intend to step away from my side shows and persistently seek for healing from the Messiah.

Like this Canaanite woman am too desperate to take no for an answer so I intend to arise from my ‘poor me’ state and focus on the One who called me; the One who is able to call me from the dead as He did Lazarus; the One who says I shall be the head and never the tail; the One who tells me He will renew my strength, that I shall mount on wings like eagles.

I intend to step away from this state I am in and really look at the cross coz there I see a lot of love, the kind of love that just confirms He is more than willing to sort me out. I intend to be okay, no more than okay. But do not be deceived, it will not be in my own strength, it is the power of the Holy Spirit within me that nudges me on.

Whatever your ‘life happens’ moment, I encourage you to seek Him. He is ABLE and WILLING to bring you healing.

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4 comments

  1. “that didn’t just happen”…..hehehehe
    No wonder u were ‘debt’ collecting. HE is willing and able…TRUE DAT!!!

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