I am still fighting with myself over blogging this. Who blogs about how insecure they are? Its not a pretty subject, I would rather pretend I ain’t an insecure person but then again here i am! Last week I blogged about how your story reveals your purpose. So this is my story, an insecure Kenyan, hiding away from it does not make it any less of my story. So blogging here I come.
A caution, if I beat about the bush, no judging! This is more a diary post. No I don’t agree with those people who keep saying a blog should not be diary of some sort – I believe that a blog should be whatever you feel it should be. No clipping of wings.
Personality tests battles
So my beating about the bush starts. I am one of those people who really HATE to be put in a box, or even feel like I am being put in a box. It’s the reason I wrote this blogpost some time back; road less traveled.
I am convinced that we all are different, have taken different journeys; will continue to take different journeys. We all are a unique people. And I jealously guard that. Sometimes I forget and try to fix myself in a box, but that mistake I am the only one who’s allowed to make.
So in my determination not be put in anyone’s box, I have for the longest time refused to take this personality tests that classify people as Melancholic, Choleric, Sanguine and Phleg. I have always thought of these tests as a lazy way of trying to know someone. It is easier to quickly decide she’s a Phleg and work with that than spend so much time trying to know her. The other reason I do not like these personality tests is that I feel that as soon as we fix someone as one of those personalities, we are always trying to fix them there. So anything they do to the contrary just does not add up. What’s that about – people are people – they are as fluid as they come; they should be.
However, in the recent past I have been around many forums where I am being asked which ‘personality’ I am and I got tired of being embarrassed with the clueless look and decided to do those things. And yes I have discovered they are not all bad if used well, I ain’t their biggest fan yet but hey at least I did them.
So my personality test decided that my secondary personality is Mel – I am not sure I agree – I think it actually is my primary personality but I am still figuring this thing out.
Why am I writing all these you could ask? Well it’s the excuse I will use for my insecurity – hey I need an excuse for such a habit! Turns out one of the negative characteristics of a Mel are we are an insecure sort of people. Phewks – there goes my explanation for my bad habits. That actually is the other reason I dislike these personality tests, I feel we easily use them as a clutch and excuse for all our not so good behaviors. And rather for example for a choleric to become more accommodating of people, they will decide, hey this is my personality. Or if a Mel as I am, hey this is my personality deal with my insecurity. This I feel robs God an opportunity to heal us of our broken diseases.
So anyway now that you know I am an insecure person, I have been thinking lately of how this manifests itself. The easiest way to explain is through scripture. Through a man I love to fear, a man who keeps me very sober in all I do. A man called Saul, a man I write so often about.
You see Saul was one insecure man. This guy’s feud with David started because of a song that talked about how Saul has killed 1000 philistines but David has killed 10000. This to Saul’s mind sang something like ‘this guy will take over my kingship’; ‘this guy will destroy me’. It sang such unimaginable things that the guy got possessed and threw a spear at David.
That’s what insecurity does. It sees stuff that do not exist. Rather than applaud David and see that as a result they together had brought down so many Philistines, it had become a competition. It had become about who is better. I say all these with a lot of fingers facing at me.
Everytime I think of this story I think how Philistines in my daily life are the battles for peoples souls; the battle to draw more people to God. And it is easy in this battle to miss the big picture. That the person who brings 1000s and 10000s really are working for the same purpose. It is easy to miss that we all have been sent to ‘disciple’ however the Lord enables us to; not bothering with who disciples 100 and who disciples 30000. It’s also easy for this discipleship to be the same thing we hold against each other rather than build each other. It’s the reason churches nowadays are competing against each other rather than working together for the good of the Body of Christ.
Insecurity 102…real world
Okay let us take this back to a real world that we all can relate to. You know that boss, that super cool boss who is gifted, yes that one. One day this boss realizes you are such a talented employee. They then begin to view you as a threat to their job. As a result, soon they are doing stuff to bring you down. Insecurity.
How I pray God guards me from this. The other day I was amused when one of my colleagues called a guy in my department to ask him such specialized stuff that ordinarily would come through me. I was so amused to hear this guy answer so fluently. He knew his stuff. And for a second there I thought why ain’t this guy asking me rather than this dude. But God quickly convicted me and told me you have done a good job at growing this dude; let him bask in some glory. I would love to tell you this came super naturally but it dint.
The one thing God has taught me is this, if the people who come after me are not greater than I am then I will have seriously failed in my role. So now I am consciously working with my team, to better them, to see them grow. And it’s still amazing how they appreciate this. And in those moments I know how easy it is to be a Saul yet I must always guard against this.
I must always be about building people. Anything that’s not building is destroying. And destroying is what Saul did. He was about scheming how to destroy David. He even offered to marry off his daughter to David so that the hand of Philistines would be against him.
I find it so interesting that Saul and David want to get rid of Philistines. But because of Saul’s insecurities, he will side with this enemy just to bring this guy down.
And as I read and ponder this the thing that comes to mind is what Christ told the disciples when they were arguing about who of them is the greatest. He tells them that the greatest of them is the one who is as little as a child, the one who is a servant. In a competitive world, in a world where greatness is such a thing to be reached for, it’s easy to miss that I am called to servanthood.
So as I battle with my insecurities, my prayer is Lord daily teach me servanthood. Because the day I forget this, that’s the day my ministry becomes about me and not You Lord. And that is my greatest fear. That I ever become about glorifying self than You Lord. So each day I pray, more and more make me a servant.
My pastor said something that rings so true in my life – that you will never make a great leader unless you learn to follow. Saul would never be found following – he could actually have gotten some free tips from David on how to kill 2000 Philistines. Wait a minute, be found asking, be found to be less of a leader! Follow, how now!
For me following is also such a foreign concept! Leadership often comes so easily. Yet in all these the Lord is telling me, galfriend humility. If you don’t learn humility this side of your life, you will chock so many of the promises He has for you. So to be very honest, I constantly battle with this. That I may never forget my first calling of them all is to serve.
And this is the last thing I see in this story of Saul and David. It’s that the Lord was with David.
There is such a serenity in that; a stillness in that. That the Lord was with David. A stillness that I long for in many ways. A stillness that only comes when I am at the feet of God, engulfed with His will. A stillness that’s only found in a heart that has tasted of the Lord. The result of this stillness is in the verses below: “In everything David did, he had great success, because the Lord was with him.”
So that’s my prayer, my desperate prayer today. That the Lord would take me away from this Mel thing and take away my insecurities. That I would be so secure in who God has called me to that I would walk my journey. Lord make me over again.