Confessions of a heart

Have you ever battled with God over anything? Well I have. I have battled with God for the longest time over that I am not yet married. It has been what I would call an unpleasant battle. Funniest part is that everytime the battle was ending I was sure God heard me and like manna from heaven, my miracle was in the making. But time and time again this miracle has not come through. Each time I have thought this is the stuff we Christians don’t talk about; the unanswered prayer; the disappointment that follows; the questions. This blog post was written during one such time ‘The why question‘. I had a lot of questions that were followed by sulking; this blog post was on that period ‘my sulking week’. Note that these are just one of the many times I have battled with God over this being single stuff. A friend of mine the other day summarized it for me, that there must a sell by date for all things in life including getting married. However, this sell by date seems to have passed for some of us but for some reason God is not panicked! Haaa, how is that!

I know many people who probably have waited for longer over different things than I have. You would think that I know many such people would make me a ‘good’ waiter; the kind that says ‘you know there are worse things than being single’. The other day I received an email that was talking about how virtue patience is not about the waiting, we all have to wait somewhere along life, patience is having the right attitude as you wait. I don’t know if that’s true it probably is and perhaps why at the start of the year I knew the thing God wanted to work on in me this year was patience.

Perhaps the nature of my character does not help; I don’t know how to do passive. That’s why this man called King David, who has the guts to ask God for ‘how long will you hide you face from me, will you forget me forever, how long will have sorrow in my heart’ is still my hero. Or Jacob, dude refused to let go of God till He blesses Him. I love that these men are not passive with God. It encourages me. It makes me know I have no reason to feel guilty over these battles with God.

Perhaps what amazes me most is that everytime I have this battles with God, I am amazed that I come out the other end with the same response David did, that He is such a faithful God, that yet I will wait on Him. And it is never a cliché answer; it is not one of those ‘Christians pre-programmed answers; to say God is good. It is always a true heart felt that He is a faithful God. Somehow, everytime I come to the other end in love with God all the more. This blog was written one such time ‘then I fell in Love’.

On top of that He woos me back to Himself which truly amazes me, it is that He allows me to be real that just captures my heart all the more. This God is not threatened by my battling with Him. This God is not threatened by many questions. Somehow this God stands, waits and listens as I battle, and then truly always engulfs me with His love. That captures my heart. And yes I confess I still battle with this singlehood thing, heck I hope to one day publish a book over my battle with this; and yes I confess many times it’s a battle that is not too pretty; yet I confess this too, that my heart has in the process known this God in the language I understand. I have known Him for myself, He is such a truly ever present God, I have tasted Him so many times I am astounded by His goodness.

Spoilt brat

But perhaps the confession in my heart today is that I have not always been fought this battle with the maturity I seem to be doing just about now, I have many times bbeen the spoilt child. The one thing I regret is that I have allowed the devil to use my singlehood battle as a thief of the many things I should be thankful for.

This month is my birthday month, yeee happy birthday to me! Yes I still celebrate my birthday, and no do not allow yourself to stop being awed by your birthday. I know we like to be adult and behave adult-like which means ignoring birthdays, but careful you do not miss the miracle that it is. That right there is the true confession of my heart.

Over the last few years I have been drama queen on my birthdays. This is despite God surrounding me with His love. When I turned 28, I had just gotten out of a relationship that I was sure was THE ONE. I remember in the run up to this day thinking Oh my God how will I get through this day! That I was in a foreign country with hardly any people around me did not help. But God in the ways only He can brought a close friend from corners of the country to visit me and we ended up celebrating my bday in style.

You’d think that would ground me. When I turned 29, I was in the sulking zone itself. I could not believe yet another year was finding me unmarried. I could not believe that I was going to celebrate this bday ‘alone’. That I had a friend take me out was no solace. My heart was stuck in the ‘what I don’t have’. I sulked. That night I shed several tears, well more like a well of tears. So when it was time to celebrate 30, I was determined to ignore this day. I was not going to be weeping one more year. What anyway is a bday, what’s the difference between the day before the bday; absolutely nothing. I was determined to ignore this day. I bought myself a cake, shared it with a group we fellowship with, but not too much as a bday cake. Then I forgot everything else about that day. Pretended it did not happen.

However, this year as I turn 31, I have looked back and I feel soooo shame on me. That I am not married has shifted my focus from the many things God has done for me. That I am blessed beyond measure, blessed with an amazing family; I have friends that I could not have picked on my own. That I belong to a church that blesses my heart each week; that I belong to a fellowship (life group) that is just from God. That my career has been nothing but a miracle; that I am gifted with skills that I could never create for myself. That I am alive. But mostly that I am a child, a loved daughter of the Most High King. How can I miss that because I am single.

Praise Him in the storm

How can that you do not have the perfect children, that you do not have the best marriage, that you are jobless, that a relationship did not work, that your friends have disowned you, how can any of these take away the thankfulness you should have for what you have. And yes you have. Somehow God in His goodness ensures we all have some.

I ain’t saying hide away from what you don’t have. Infact I believe we need to have bold conversations over those as I blogged about this last week. But these circumstances must never take away from what we have.

So as I turn 31, I salute you Lord. You are the Ultimate Lover. You are the Lover of my soul. That I know you still astounds me. That you love still is the most amazing thing in my life. Yes I want to get married and start a family, but for today Lord, I thank you for who you are, for the victories, for the joys, for the privileges you have blessed me. This song by Casting Crowns….”I was sure by now, God would have reached out, stepped and saved the day. But once again I say amen and it’s still raining…but as the thunder rows I hear you say, I am with you….so I praise you in this storm….to my thanksgiving month!

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3 comments

  1. As usual you astound me!! I have been having the same battle with God, wondering when He is gonna bring this particular blessing my way. But the greatest lesson I have learnt is that God is still God , during answered and unanswered prayers. I think He wants us to fall deeply in love with Him becoz the purpose He has for us is greater than we can imagine. Our calling will require that we are deeply anchored in Him so that we may prevail.

    I am the poorest in waiting patientlybut enyewe this year, God has tested my patience limits!!
    I celebrate you my sister, I always take courage from your journey.

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